But How Can You?

Quite frequently, I get asked by people who follow me on Twitter and Facebook - how can you cook so much and be losing weight?

If any of you follow me in either place, most of my weekday updates are quips about what I am cooking. I love to cook, what can I say? I did before starting this journey, and I do now.

The biggest difference -- aside from the fact that typically, the ingredients have changed to more fresh produce, lower fat dairy products, healthier oils and the like -- is me.

I used to eat my way through things I made. By the time dinner rolled around, I had taste-tested the dish so frequently that I already had my dinner serving, but that never stopped me from piling my plate full just the same. When I baked for Christmas, I would eat easily a dozen or more cookies while I was baking them and before I got them put up for storage. I always doubled or tripled cookie batches, and this is partially why.

Now, it seems like the more I make, the less I want to eat, not just of what I am making, but in general, too.

Yesterday was a good example. I wanted to make sausage and pepper subs for dinner. I got up, put the turkey sausage, sauce and peppers in our crock pot, then went to work on a batch of French Bread dough to make sub rolls.

While that was rising, I mixed up a batch of cookie dough and put it in the fridge to chill. After the rolls were baked, since the oven was warm, I broke out the dough and made 3 dozen double chocolate cookies.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I decided that I wanted to make a few pizzas to freeze, but had no pizza sauce, so on the stove came a simmering pot of tomatoes and spices. Once the sauce was ready, I mixed up some whole wheat pizza dough, and assembled three pizzas with turkey sausage, orange bell peppers, red onions, yellow squash and 2% milk cheeses.

Needless to say, I was working until Randall got home last night.

What did I eat?

I grabbed a lemon yogurt out of the fridge and sat down with a cup of coffee about 10:30. At 2:30, I baked off one of the pizzas and had three slices, wrapping the rest up for Randall's lunches. I had two of the cookies - one off of the first sheet to test them, and one after they cooled as I was getting them in the freezer. We then had dinner - I had one sub, on a roll that was about 8 inches, I would guess. Other than that, I had lots of water. Well, that and a few Hershey's kisses that evening as I let Daniel have some of his Halloween candy.

I used to watch my Mom cook all day and sit down to a holiday meal and hardly touch any of it. I never understood how she could smell all of that all day and not want to devour it all once she sat down. Now, I finally do. The satisfaction is coming from the smells and the visions of success that I see before me as opposed to the actual consumption of the food now.

I am glad that I turned this corner and still am able to cook and bake. Its so much a part of who I am and what I love that I don't know what I could possibly reinvent myself that radically.

I was going to post this last night, but the day's events left me totally exhausted. The plan for today? Probably one batch of cookies, but that's it! Well...maybe.

Anyone Miss Us??

Well....its sure been quiet around here, hasn't it? Any of you that have or have been following a weight loss blog that has suddenly gone silent knows what that means...

uh oh....

Yep. Its true. I didn't fall off of the wagon - it just sort of lost its wheels. So, its probably not as bad as you might think. I just lost motivation. Its like all of my drive decided to take a vacation, and I have been coasting along, trying to pretend I was oblivious...until I gained two pounds last week. Couple this with a few things that people have said to me over the last week or so - that was likely not intended to upset me, or mean it the way I took it - that pushed me further along the down-slide.

Then there is the season...there is just more and more to do and the focus is on others, not on me. Then, there is the fear. Fear of the unknown. I am hovering just under 100 pounds lost. I have never lost that much in a single loss attempt. Ever. The rational side of me is saying "Maybe not, but you have weighed less than 275...even 96 pounds less back in 1996." but for some reason, the irrational side has been winning this battle of wills.

Plus, there are a few people online whose journeys who I have been following, who have begun to put weight back on. There is one on Facebook - she started out at 415, got down to 356, and her last weigh in, she was 399.75 pounds. There is another who went from 420, down to 255, and then she suddenly began blogging less and less, and is now in the 270's again. I felt so bad for these two ladies, because I know just where they are, I have been there, and don't want to go back.

I always seem to bounce back after a week or so, so I am not sure why this time has been so different. The fear, I guess, is a huge part. In fact, I had another fear over this past weekend, for the very first time. I have always felt that this time is different, but this weekend, I felt this overwhelming fear that I was going to stop losing, start gaining and just put it all back on. And those of us who have battled weight for any length of time knows, you always gain back more than you lost. I thought about that. I knew that meant I was going to be over 400 pounds this time. That terrified me. Yet, apparently not enough to kick me back into gear.

I am coming to terms with some things in my mind, and I feel a shift coming. Its a slow one, but its happening. I don't know if I am just not going to be so concerned about my efforts right now and pick back up at a later time, perhaps after this busy season has passed? If so, it doesn't mean I give up, it just means I am going to do my part to hold steady, until the wagon train starts downhill again, instead of an endless trek across a prairie.

I thought about not going into all of this on here, or taking a hiatus from blogging, since I might not have any real "news" to report on for a while. But, this blog is about our journey, not about bragging on success, or just keeping a tally of the numbers. Its about all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly and the boring. I do hope all of those who have been so supportive to us will hang out with us while we trudge ahead, even if the song remains the same for a while.

I am confident now that I am not going back. Yesterday, I ran out of coffee creamer and pulled a bottle of pumpkin spice eggnog out of the fridge we bought a week or more ago and used that. Then I looked at the label. 200 calories and 9 grams of fat for 1/2 a cup. I smelled it one last time, then dumped the rest of it down the drain. If I was done with this, would I have done that? Nope, we made a lifestyle change, and its here to stay.

On that note, today was weigh day, so as custom dictated, I got back on the scale. After seeing 276 last week, I thought for sure I would see 280, but prayed for 279. After all, another week of no exercise, accompanied with nighttime snacking that I wasn't doing before, and the candy I ate on Halloween (3 fun size peanut M&M's and 3 fun size Snickers, and two pieces of homemade candy)...it just wouldn't be pretty.

Imagine my surprise when I saw 273.4 on the scale???

I lost 3.0 pounds this week!

Totally by the grace of God, I will let you know!

Randall's weigh in: 239.0 - he's in the two thirties! Another grace, as he unfortunately fed off of my emotions all week and did little to nothing to further his efforts, either.

I am going to try to keep losing. After all, I am one pound from my halfway point, and 3.4 pounds from that milestone of the century. I want to at least be able to say I have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in 4 1/2 weeks. Beyond that, I am not pressuring myself until I get it all sorted out. Who knows? Maybe it will come sooner than later!

I wanted to also thank those of you who reached out to me during this week of silence - Tammy, Kelly and Diane. It means more to me that you will ever know that I mean enough to each of you for you to be worried for me, and want to see me not give in to this. I will make this promise to all three of you, and to everyone else: I won't give up. Its going to happen, even if it is going to take a little longer now, its still going to happen. As far as Randall goes? He's married to me, he doesn't have a choice - he's getting dragged along whether he likes it or not!

Randall's Turn!

With an NSV!

Need I say more?

The shorts that he is holding up in front of him are a size 50 waist...and at one time, they were actually tight on him!

When we began this journey just 11 short months ago, he was squeezing into the 48's that he had. Yesterday afternoon, he pulled out a box of shorts that my Dad gave him that are all 36's, and was able to comfortably wear four pairs of them! He has a few more pairs that he has time to shrink into, which its always good to have clothes waiting on you. Looks like our next bag of clothes will be ready for GoodWill in short order!

I am so proud of him!

When we came across the shorts in the picture, I told him to hold them up and let me snap a pic. I think we were both surprised at the enormous difference. Its also scary to think he was once that big. Thank goodness he won't ever be again. I'm not ready to lose him!

I'll be back with a Halloween update soon - a good time was had by all!

LATE!

Sorry guys! I'm late with our weigh in post, and late with announcing the next challenge that I am participating in!

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning to keep us on track with our weight loss, and it totally threw my whole day off.

Randall did great - he'd lost 10 pounds since we last went...I lost...um...well...three. Yeah, I know, this month was like I took a detour and did nothing right, no focus, no workouts. November will be a month to remember, just like September was!

As far as our weigh in goes:

I was up 2.2 pounds to 276.4.

Randall was down 2.2 pounds to 242.2!

I will use this weight as my inital weigh in for the next challenge, which I am so excited over!

Introducing.....

The Sisterhood's Shrink-a-Versary Extravaganza!

This is a special challenge, because not only will it focus on weight loss, but also on fitness, and goodness knows I need some motivation here! I am on Daily Mile to track my walks and bike rides, and will update as often as I do anything. To keep track along with me, you can follow me with my little widget in my sidebar.

I am so excited to have something to work toward again and have all my sisters (and brothers) participating with me!

Weigh Ins will be on Wednesdays, along with any more updates I will have...through the end of the challenge, which is December 16th.

Check out The Sisterhood if you want to join in the fun!

Cursed Candy Can be a Sweet Realization

Since Halloween is 2 days away, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate this post to....

Candy

Yes...we all are familiar with it...some of us (like me) way more than others. My worst times of year were Halloween, Christmas and Easter for weight gain...because of candy.

I distinctly remember one Easter where I went out every day - every day - for two weeks and bought $5.00 worth of candy. You know, the good stuff, like Russell Stover Truffle Eggs...and at the end of the two weeks, I was out $70.00 and had gained 15 pounds.

Halloween was no better. The last time I went trick or treating? I was 20. Yes. Twenty. I went with one of my friends, who was 18 at the time, and about 5 inches taller than me, so I felt less conspicuous. I just made sure my face was covered so no one knew who I was, and went out and got my loot. You would think that the lengths that I went through to attempt to conceal both my identity and my age would have been a wake up call. Apparently not.

Christmas, I got into this habit of buying all of these pretty green, red, silver and gold wrapped chocolates and placing them in decorative bowls all over my apartment. You know, for company. The only problem? I rarely had visitors, and the candy never made it within a fraction of an inch toward Christmas. I always had the bowls licked clean before I could legitimately sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

Around the beginning of September, I found pumpkin spice flavored Hershey Kisses at Target. I remember hearing about them last year, and was so upset because by the time I found out, they were sold out of the seasonal item. I even contemplated purchasing some off of Ebay, but the seller wanted like 7.00 a bag for them. So, I just decided to wait and see if I saw them the next year, and there they were. We got a bag, and after eating a few over the course of a week or so, we bought two more bags, along with a bag of caramel apple flavored ones, and I displayed them in a maple leaf bowl in one room, and a wicker basket in another room. They are still there. A few have disappeared along the way, but for the most part, they are intact and have done nothing more than collected dust.

Candy? Collecting dust in my house? If you would have asked me if such a thing was possible last year, I would have laughed in your face. Candy was just too important to me - too comforting, too tempting. Now, its fine once in a while, but we're just passing acquaintances now instead of intimate friends, and that is the best feeling in the world. I have never, in all of my past attempts at weight loss, been able to say that. Very empowering.

Think about it for yourself. Is there something that you have enjoyed, probably too much, in your past habits that has now done a 180? My guess is there is. Think on it, then congratulate yourself on the turnaround. It shows that you finally care enough about yourself, as opposed to other things, to make a difference. Use that strength to make it true for other things that may be holding you back from completing your journey, and run with it!

Another NSV

There is one goal I have with weight loss that I never mentioned on here before. I want to weigh less than Randall. There, I said it. I just feel like for once in my life, as a woman, I want to be smaller than the man I am with. When we met in 2004, he probably weighed more than I did, but for the entire length of our serious relationship and then marriage, he was the lightweight. When we got married, we were about 20 pounds apart, and now, the gap is closing in at 29 pounds, and I am so excited!

On to the NSV.....

I was putting up laundry yesterday, and was about to put his jeans on a hanger, when I just decided to see how close they would come to fitting me, knowing full well that women really can't pull off a men's cut with jeans anyway, but I had to, just for the giggles.

It wasn't a perfect slide right on, but I got them on and zipped! I was so excited! Of course, when he got home, I nonchalantly asked him whether or not these jeans were a pair that were hopelessly too big for him already, or if they fit pretty good. He said they weren't snug, but weren't super baggy, either, followed up with a "Why do you ask?"

My answer was to take them in the other room, get them on and come back and show him. I will spare you the R-Rated-Typical-Man's-Response I got, but he then did tell me that he was happy for me.

So close...

He wants to get anywhere from 200-220 all together (I think he will wear 220 fine, even if it does still technically and medically leave him in an obese category - he's not just "overweight unless he hits 209 at his height), so even if I have to wait 50-70 more pounds, I will get there. In the meantime, I will just wear his clothes!

Unflattering Flabbiness

I have YET to incorporate regular exercise back into my routine, and that is a big ol bad on me. I hope to rectify this shortly.

On the subject of exercise, I have GOT to start doing some sort of strength training in my workouts, because I have gotten amazingly FLABBY.

I have bat wings under my arms now, and my spare tire has lost a lot of air, so instead of being nice and inflated and firm, its saggier, and floppier.

And let's not forget my butt. Let me start off by saying that the fatter I am, the more I am cursed with my Grandmother's butt. She had the flattest butt I have ever seen on anyone. I mean seriously. Like a pancake. And from what I saw in pictures, the wider mine got, the flatter it got.

After being hot and heavy on the bike like I was, the weirdest thing has happened - my butt is unbelievably round now. To me, because of the dramatic shift in shape, it looks bigger to me and I hate that! Everyone swears its much smaller, and, I agree, it would have to be for me to go from a size 30 to a 20 in pants, but man!

I am going to be excited when it gets significantly smaller, but back to my original complaint, my butt is now like a big ol bowl of giggly jello.

Something's gotta give, and soon!

I am already concerned about loose skin, which I don't really know what to do about, but now that the fat underneath has shrunk, the rest of that fat under there and those muscles need to be worked and tightened up!

Since I am on my own, I am sort of at a loss, especially with little equipment at my disposal. I guess I am going to have to start looking online and see if anyone has any advice other than joining a gym, which won't be happening anytime soon.

Let's hope I figure out something soon!