Anyone Miss Us??

Well....its sure been quiet around here, hasn't it? Any of you that have or have been following a weight loss blog that has suddenly gone silent knows what that means...

uh oh....

Yep. Its true. I didn't fall off of the wagon - it just sort of lost its wheels. So, its probably not as bad as you might think. I just lost motivation. Its like all of my drive decided to take a vacation, and I have been coasting along, trying to pretend I was oblivious...until I gained two pounds last week. Couple this with a few things that people have said to me over the last week or so - that was likely not intended to upset me, or mean it the way I took it - that pushed me further along the down-slide.

Then there is the season...there is just more and more to do and the focus is on others, not on me. Then, there is the fear. Fear of the unknown. I am hovering just under 100 pounds lost. I have never lost that much in a single loss attempt. Ever. The rational side of me is saying "Maybe not, but you have weighed less than 275...even 96 pounds less back in 1996." but for some reason, the irrational side has been winning this battle of wills.

Plus, there are a few people online whose journeys who I have been following, who have begun to put weight back on. There is one on Facebook - she started out at 415, got down to 356, and her last weigh in, she was 399.75 pounds. There is another who went from 420, down to 255, and then she suddenly began blogging less and less, and is now in the 270's again. I felt so bad for these two ladies, because I know just where they are, I have been there, and don't want to go back.

I always seem to bounce back after a week or so, so I am not sure why this time has been so different. The fear, I guess, is a huge part. In fact, I had another fear over this past weekend, for the very first time. I have always felt that this time is different, but this weekend, I felt this overwhelming fear that I was going to stop losing, start gaining and just put it all back on. And those of us who have battled weight for any length of time knows, you always gain back more than you lost. I thought about that. I knew that meant I was going to be over 400 pounds this time. That terrified me. Yet, apparently not enough to kick me back into gear.

I am coming to terms with some things in my mind, and I feel a shift coming. Its a slow one, but its happening. I don't know if I am just not going to be so concerned about my efforts right now and pick back up at a later time, perhaps after this busy season has passed? If so, it doesn't mean I give up, it just means I am going to do my part to hold steady, until the wagon train starts downhill again, instead of an endless trek across a prairie.

I thought about not going into all of this on here, or taking a hiatus from blogging, since I might not have any real "news" to report on for a while. But, this blog is about our journey, not about bragging on success, or just keeping a tally of the numbers. Its about all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly and the boring. I do hope all of those who have been so supportive to us will hang out with us while we trudge ahead, even if the song remains the same for a while.

I am confident now that I am not going back. Yesterday, I ran out of coffee creamer and pulled a bottle of pumpkin spice eggnog out of the fridge we bought a week or more ago and used that. Then I looked at the label. 200 calories and 9 grams of fat for 1/2 a cup. I smelled it one last time, then dumped the rest of it down the drain. If I was done with this, would I have done that? Nope, we made a lifestyle change, and its here to stay.

On that note, today was weigh day, so as custom dictated, I got back on the scale. After seeing 276 last week, I thought for sure I would see 280, but prayed for 279. After all, another week of no exercise, accompanied with nighttime snacking that I wasn't doing before, and the candy I ate on Halloween (3 fun size peanut M&M's and 3 fun size Snickers, and two pieces of homemade candy)...it just wouldn't be pretty.

Imagine my surprise when I saw 273.4 on the scale???

I lost 3.0 pounds this week!

Totally by the grace of God, I will let you know!

Randall's weigh in: 239.0 - he's in the two thirties! Another grace, as he unfortunately fed off of my emotions all week and did little to nothing to further his efforts, either.

I am going to try to keep losing. After all, I am one pound from my halfway point, and 3.4 pounds from that milestone of the century. I want to at least be able to say I have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in 4 1/2 weeks. Beyond that, I am not pressuring myself until I get it all sorted out. Who knows? Maybe it will come sooner than later!

I wanted to also thank those of you who reached out to me during this week of silence - Tammy, Kelly and Diane. It means more to me that you will ever know that I mean enough to each of you for you to be worried for me, and want to see me not give in to this. I will make this promise to all three of you, and to everyone else: I won't give up. Its going to happen, even if it is going to take a little longer now, its still going to happen. As far as Randall goes? He's married to me, he doesn't have a choice - he's getting dragged along whether he likes it or not!